“Ruinenlust” is a German compound describing the curious obsession with what we most fear and the pleasure taken from spending time amidst ruins. Psychiatrically, the architectural shape of our brain is invaded by our mental illness. Psychologically, the defense system we are building up as we grow up is the life architecture of ours.As an individual with bipolar disorder, this word resonated with me as a self-portrait. I create this synthetic architecture that serves as a metaphor for the individual’s psyche, integrating visual symbolism from alchemy, Taoism and Satanism. The architecture and avatar serves as a metaphor for each other featuring “eternal return”. They symbolize my departure from conventional beliefs and a newfound empowerment confronting this endless loop. Through “Ruinenlust”, my realization on this cycle of inner turmoil towards self-discovery and growth steps to the forth, reflecting the complexities of my inner world and the intersection of the philosophy and spirituality navigating it. Eternal return is not about gaining a whole new life in every new cycle. It is about the coverage and faith that even when you already foresee your path, you are still willing to march forward onto your own road. It is always your own solitary and holy pilgrimage.